Title: Summer Blockbuster
Pairings: Some canon-rated McKay/Carter and some McKay/Sheppard.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned, any of the movies mentioned, Stargate: SG-1, or Stargate: Atlantis. I'm doing this expressly for the love and affection of svmadelyn and not for anything I can trade in at the bank.
Author's Notes: Thanks to control_freak80 for the beta and to her husband for the spelling of Risa! Also, props to reccea for help with the end.
"I have sand in my shorts," Rodney announced as the gentling waves washed him up on the beach. "And it's starting to chafe in places that -- "
"If you value your life, you won't finish that sentence, McKay."
Dulcet, feminine tones, familiar, and yet, drenched in nostalgia, like a favorite movie, a voice from the past...a voice that reminded him of end-of-the-world countdowns, threats of death by lemon and exile to Siberia.
Rodney lifted his head and peered blearily toward the surf where a woman walked out of the waves. She had tousled blonde hair, drenched white bikini -- hellooo, nurse! - - oh, yes, Samantha Carter had come to save him from the indignations the world piled on Rodney McKay.
"Well, well, well," he said, leaning back on his elbows and enjoying the view. Just clear blue sky, miles of ocean and sand, and Sam Carter, wearing a white bikini on the Pegasus equivalent of Risa. "If it isn't Samantha Carter. What brings you to this sunny locale?"
"Oh," Sam said, sitting down beside him as he struggled to sit up. "You know how it is. Surf, sun, the chance to dress up like Ursula Andress in Dr. No...."
"Please," Rodney said. "You're clearly Bo Derek in Ten."
"Oh, I don't think so," Sam replied with a little laugh. "Bo Derek wore a one-piece in that movie. And cornrows. And -- wasn't that suit was completely see-through? C'mon, McKay! Ursula Andress was the original Bond Girl. Don't tell me you don't have that memory squirreled away somewhere in that giant brain of yours."
"Well, of course I remember her," Rodney said lamely. "But you're clearly Bo Derek!"
"I clearly have my little knife holster right here on my leg," Sam countered.
"Huh." Rodney stared at it. "That's kinda hot, you know."
"Hey, everyone needs an adolescent fantasy," Sam said, offering Rodney a dazzling smile.
He smiled back, warmed by the sun and her attention, his clothes finally starting to dry out. "I should, um, probably put on some sunscreen," he said, feeling around in his jacket for the little container. I don't suppose you would -- I mean, I've been exposed to a lot of radiation in my lifetime -- and I'm sure you must have exceeded that by at least a factor of three, and uh -- can I put sunscreen on your back? Please?"
"I've got a better idea," she said, tilting her head winsomely. "Have you ever seen From Here to Eternity?"
"With Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr and that scene on the beach -- oh!" Rodney remembered that part well and before he could completely ruin the moment, Sam had leaned over and put her hand his face. "Take a deep breath," she whispered, and then she kissed him.
The ocean lapped up around them, the tide high on the shore, soaking the still-damp legs of Rodney's trousers. Sam slipped her tongue between his lips, her mouth warm and dry. Rodney barely noticed when the water rose to his waist and then to his ribcage. Seconds later, when it lapped cold against the bare skin in the notch of his collar and Sam's mouth turned similarly icy, he lifted his hands to push her away but she had already vanished.
"Hey, where are you going?" he called and then the water came rushing up, flowing into his mouth faster than he could spit it out. It rushed into his nose, his eyes, and he couldn't breathe, couldn't see, couldn't hear --
-- and then the water was flowing out, not in, trickling from his raw nostrils, stinging his eyes as he blinked it away. He coughed it up, salty and cold, from his lungs. Someone whacked him -- hard -- on the back and Rodney retched out one last mouthful of water. His eyes felt swollen and his stomach was sore -- queasy and aching from his overtaxed muscles. He groaned and rolled to his back, clearing water from his eyes with his fingertips.
"Geez, Rodney!" And those were the not-so-dulcet tones of a certain Air Force colonel without Bo Derek's-- or Ursula Andress's -- curves. "We jumped in the ocean to escape this week's helping of certain death. When did you hear me say, and swallow half the damn lake while you're at it?"
"Ocean," Rodney coughed, letting Sheppard push him upright. "If you'll note the salinity -- what happened?" he asked, but he was already remembering. Pointy spears, running for their lives, the usual, except this time, the colonel had found a convenient cliff to jump off and just like his mother had always warned, Rodney had jumped right off the cliff, too, just like his friends.
"You swallowed a lot of water," Teyla said, crouching on Rodney's other side. "Ronon dragged you to shore and the colonel revived you."
"Really?" Rodney asked. "You saved my life? Again?" He glanced up at Sheppard's closed expression.
"Yeah, well," he started, "I figure I'll just put it on your tab. I mean -- "
"What I don't get," Ronon interrupted, "is why Sheppard had to kiss him. I woulda just slapped the water out of him."
"What!" Rodney shrieked.
"It was not a kiss," Sheppard said loudly, obviously trying to drown Rodney out. "It's called rescue breathing and he wasn't -- " He looked at Rodney. "You weren't breathing! And you're always talking about how you like to breathe so damn much, so I had to do it for you for -- for a couple seconds, it was nothing."
"It was a couple minutes," Ronon corrected.
"It was not a couple minutes," Sheppard complained. "If it was a couple minutes -- "
"Oh, my God," Rodney interrupted, doing the mental arithmetic. "Seriously? Minutes? There may be permanent brain damage. Did either of you get the exact time?" he asked Ronon and Teyla. "This is very important. It might mean the difference between life and death at a critical moment for all of us. Was my brain without oxygen for anywhere close
to three minutes?"
"McKay, shut up," Sheppard cut in. "I would have given up long before we hit three minutes."
"But I could have been hypoxic long before you ever set lips on me," Rodney pointed out, struggling upright.
"I do not believe it was quite that long, Doctor McKay," Teyla interrupted, offering her hand.
"Still," Rodney said. We should to get back to Atlantis so Carson run an MRI and maybe a PET scan and -- "
Sheppard rolled his eyes. "All right," he said to the others. "Let's get Baron von Münchhausen here back home. Ronon, take point, Teyla, our six. Let's move out."
Ronon moved ahead and they started the trek back to the 'gate.
"Rescue breathing?" Rodney asked quietly when they were underway. "You couldn't think of anything better?"
"No," Sheppard said, with a lazy shrug. "Mostly because I actually was doing rescue breathing. What'd you do, forget to take a breath before you jumped in?"
Rodney ignored the last question because he had taken a breath, but then he'd screamed a lot on the way down and that wasn't something manly men talked about.
"Besides," Sheppard said, kind of snottily, "you were probably dreaming about Sam Carter in a bikini while I was busy sucking salt water out of your lungs."
"I was not," Rodney protested, although he was absolutely lying through his teeth.
"Really?" Sheppard asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow.
"Really," Rodney said uncertainly. "I was -- maybe -- thinking about, um, Ursula Andress. She was the original Bond Girl, you know."
Sheppard shot him a funny, sideways look. "Yeah, I know," he said. "She's the light you saw at the end of the tunnel?"
"Well," Rodney said archly. "You'll notice I'm here now."
"Like you had a choice," Sheppard snorted. "Since I saved your life."
But when Rodney glanced over, John Sheppard was smiling.